A New Day

When Mike came home from work last night, I was sitting on the floor of Mia's room, in my bathrobe, never having brushed my teeth for the day. I had her swaddled, in her swing, and was using the hairdryer to mimic the white noise she heard in the womb. And we were both crying. Mike had been busy at work all day and hadn't been aware of the chaotic afternoon I'd had, but nevertheless he came home with roses and the sweetest card I've ever read. I don't know how he knows just what I need, but he does. He layed on the floor with me while I cried and reassured me I'm a wonderful mom and that Mia was just having a bad day. He then cooked dinner and told me to go out for awhile to get some time to myself. So I did.

I went and bought The Secret, and started reading it this morning. I've decided that Mia does not have colic, she's a calm and happy baby who just had two bad days. Wouldn't you know it, today was better. We went to the lactation consultant this afternoon and she basically told me I've given breastfeeding such a good try, but it appears it won't work for me this time as a primary source of nourishment. Mia is latching on wonderfully, I just don't have much milk to give her. In our session today she got 1/4 ounce from both breasts combined. But Mia loves it. The consultant said it could be used as a comfort thing for her since she and I both enjoy that time. So that's what I'll do. I also switched her to soy formula and we'll see if that helps her tummy any.

Dad and Sue came over this afteroon and played with Mia. I just love seeing my parents with her. It's so sweet and so clear they're crazy about her. They took some great pictures and I'll post when I receive them. Here's Mia before our trip to the consultant.

Colic?

Mia cried (okay, screamed) yesterday from 1:00 p.m. until 5:00, when I finally just held her and allowed her to sleep in my arms for an hour. Today the crying began at 10:00 a.m. and I'm crossing my fingers that it's now stopped for the day. I've been trying the usual soothing methods, like gas drops and swaddling. I've also been trying the 5 S's (Dr. Karp), and they work for a few minutes, then she's back to crying. Today I tried the sleeping-in-my-arms thing again, but no luck. This last time I used the hair dryer to quiet her and then turned on this stuffed animal Robyn and Kenny gave us that plays different soothing noises: a heartbeat, rain, the ocean and a whale. I have it on the ocean right now and she's been asleep for about 20 minutes. Today has been a bit stressful, but if it goes like yesterday, I will at least get a good night's sleep tonight. Wish me luck. Oh, there she is. Guess I'll keep trying.

Two Week Update

It's amazing how quickly time goes by when you're completely focused on the needs of another human being. Mia will be two weeks old tomorrow and I can't believe she's been part of our lives for so long already. Not that I don't succinctly remember what life was like before her arrival, watching reality TV all night long, or spending my weekends napping or reading books. But my heart is filled with love for her and I am so blessed to have her in my arms each day. I realize I never recapped our birthing experience and I still don't have time to do that now. I want it to be as complete as the story Mom tells me about my birth each year on my birthday. But here's some of what we've been up to:

• Mia was jaundiced in the hospital and lost over 10% of her body weight, mostly due to the fact that my milk never truly "came in". We started her on formula, supplemented (in very small part) by my breast milk. I'm happy to report that at her doctor's appointment today she weighed in at 7 lbs 10 oz and has grown an inch and a quarter, up to 20 1/4. What a big girl!
• I have had a lot of feelings of inadequacy due to the breast milk situation. Mike and I went to see a lactation consultant last week and she said my lack of milk could very well be from my p0lycystic ovarian syndrome. That would also explain why my breasts never grew larger during pregnancy. She still charged us a ton for the visit, and advised us to rent a hospital grade pump, instructing me to pump 8 times a day. I'm also taking herbal supplements, feeding Mia a bottle, and having her nurse, in addition to the pumping. When I follow this regimen, feeding Mia can take up to two hours at times. It's exhausting and I've had just about all I can take. It wears me out mentally, a constant reminder that I'm unable to do something I'd always dreamed of sharing with my child. I absolutely want to continue to pump and give her whatever milk I can, but 8 times a day seems ridiculous to me. I never would be able to leave the house if I followed that plan.
• Mia loves sleeping in her room in her crib, so Mike and I are currently sleeping in the living room, which lies between her room and the kitchen. It's made getting up with her at night so much easier (we have a split floor plan) and we are getting much more sleep than when we tried keeping her in the room with us at night.
• Mia also loves to be swaddled, and she loves her aquarium mobile in her crib. As long as she's swaddled, has her paci and can watch the mobile, she's set!
• It's amazing how I feel even closer to Mike now that we share a child together. I feel like we are really a team now, and we work so well together to care for her. He is an incredible father and is so involved in what she's doing. He's also extremely concerned for me and how I'm feeling and doing. It's so hard to find adequate words to thank him and tell him how much he means to me, but I will definitely continue trying.
• Mia has been to three restaurants in as many days and has behaved like the little angel she is. Mike and I took her for a walk around the neighborhood yesterday and met some of the neighbors. And today Mia had her first trip to T*rget with Amy and me.
• Missy and SP welcomed baby Cara into the world the very day after Mia was born. Cara is beautiful and she and Missy are doing great (as I knew they would!). They and cousin Jake all came to visit on Saturday. I'll post pictures when I can.
• Mawmaw and Pawpaw (Carol and Brent) also came to visit, as did Granny and Grampy (Mom and Bruce). Charlie and Mary came in from Nashville to see Mia and celebrate Pawpaw's birthday. Mia also saw her cousins Logan and Beau, as well as Aunt Kelly, Uncle Chris, Aunt Jenny and Matt and Reilly.

Before I go, I'd like to also congratulate Amy and Rob on the birth of RJ. Guess we're now the Pink Mommies???

Mia Marie Robbins

Mia was born one week ago today, weighing 7 pounds, 2 ounces. She was 19 inches long and has dark hair. She is absolutely the most amazing thing I've ever seen and Mike and I are so overcome with love for her. I will have to recap the birth experience and the past week at another time, but just wanted to get a few pictures of our little Bean online for all to see.

Just to reiterate...

Freaking the f--- out.

Spent today planning out my breastfeeding routine. Hopefully there are no problems with that and all goes according to plan (won't hold my breath). Dad and Sam came over and brought me Tracy's glider, so that's ready to go. I also did a little arts and crafts project, something "daddy-like" for Mike. I hope he likes it.

Thought Missy might have Biscuit today. She thought her water broke this morning and went to the hospital. She was having mild contractions and dilated a little more. Let's say some prayers that baby comes soon!

The Big Day

Tomorrow is the big day, and I'm scared. People keep calling, asking if I'm excited. Of course I'm excited. The biggest surprise of my life is less than 24 hours away! But the fear is kind of overtaking me right now.

What if something goes wrong? What if there are complications from the c-section? What if there is something wrong with the baby that couldn't be detected on ultrasound? What if I don't feel bonded to it right away? What if I'm a basket case by the end of the week because I haven't had enough sleep? What if Mike loves the baby more than me? What if I become invisible because all everyone cares about is the baby? What if I don't know how to make it stop crying? What if it won't breastfeed...???? I'm obviously going to have to stop doing this to myself soon because there is no way I can know the answers to those questions. But today, my last day before motherhood, it's harder to keep those fears at bay.

The part of me that is excited is also very emotional. When I think of the moment when I'll hear my baby cry for the first time, I'm so overwhelmed it makes me cry. Even in my imagination, I'm completely overcome with happiness and love for a child I don't even know. I can't wait for the moment I see its face, hear its voice, kiss its head and wrap my arms around its tiny body. How will I ever let anyone else hold my baby? I want to keep that child all to myself.

I know how quickly it will all pass. Sometimes I feel like my entire life has already gone too quickly! So I want to enjoy every moment with this baby and soak it all in. I guess I can only do my best and know that it will all work out just how God wants it to. I guess the next time I write I'll be a mommy. Wish us well!

The final weekend

We had a pretty good weekend. I worked late Friday night, since it was my last day of work. I finished up everything I needed to, so I won't feel compelled to check my BlackBerry every hour the next 12 weeks.

Saturday Mike and I had lunch at Macca's in Westport Village. Westport Village is a new retail development and the restaurant reminded me of someplace we would eat while on vacation in Florida. That's the idea, of course, and they have succeeded with it. Afterward I visited Amy in the hospital. She had gallbladder surgery, but is doing well. Then I treated myself to a pedicure and Starbucks. That evening, we went to Jennifer and Freddy's for dinner. It was a nice time.

Yesterday I finally "nested". Everyone has been asking me about it, and I felt like a defective mother since I'd not yet scrubbed my house spotless with a toothbrush. Don't get me wrong, I still didn't take it that far! But yesterday, after 7 months of living in this house, I felt driven to unpack moving boxes! I was like a mad woman, unpacking, throwing things away, rearranging closets...it was nuts! I did laundry all day too, and gathered donation items for the Goodwill. I didn't finish until about 6:30 last night. Of course I paid for it. My body hurt so badly last night! But I do feel a sense of relief that at least all our rooms upstairs are in order. Today I will do the actual dusting and cleaning of bathrooms and floors. After all, tomorrow is our big day!