Callie's Birth Story

It’s been over five years since the day I first held you, five years since God finally blessed me with the gift that would complete my life: my Callie. I’ve never prayed for anything as much as I prayed for you. I’ve never longed for anything the way I longed for you. And yet it’s taken me over five years to feel like you’re really here, you’re really mine. That’s why I’m just now writing the story of your birth. I felt like I would somehow jinx us, by recognizing you are here and are a permanent part of our lives. But you are so wanted and so loved, and I want to finally share how amazing our lives have been from the moment you came into this world.

I woke up on the morning of April 10, 2013 very excited but very nervous. Very excited because we would finally meet our sweet girl, the baby we had prayed for to complete our family. But I was also very nervous because I was still afraid something would happen to prevent me from finally meeting you. We had many struggles getting you here, and we were so scared to get our hopes up that you would finally be ours.

This was a theme throughout my pregnancy. Early on we were told I would lose you, just as I had been told with Mia but also as I’d been told with many other babies along the way. I was devastated, and spent a week believing I had lost you, just as I did with Mia. But then I went back to the doctor and you were still there, still growing. Every single time I went to the doctor during my pregnancy, I was terrified. Every time I would be overcome with fear until they found your heartbeat. And every time they did I would cry with joy and relief.

I was very sick during my pregnancy with you and it lasted much longer than it did with Mia, over 20 weeks. I would get sick while I was driving. One time I had a plastic bag attached to each ear so I could throw up while I drove! Another time I threw up while Mia was in the backseat. I was so afraid of moving and having a wreck so I just let it go all over my clothes. When we got home I took them off in the garage and threw them away, shoes and all. I would get sick at work. One day I had a meeting with the head neurosurgeon of the practice I managed. I got sick all over my clothes and had to wear scrubs and lay on a couch while meeting with him so I wouldn’t get sick again. It was bad…but I welcomed it. It let me know you were still there and getting strong.

At first we didn’t want to know if you were a boy or a girl, just as we hadn’t found out with Mia. But we were having trouble getting excited. We were so scared of losing you. So we thought that finding out would allow us to finally open our hearts and feel more connected with you. The night before we went to the ultrasound appointment I studied ultrasound pictures online to learn how to tell a boy or a girl from the image. As the ultrasound tech moved the wand over your “parts”, I immediately knew what I was seeing – my baby girl. I was already emotional by the time she said it aloud. Daddy and I cried with happiness. We were so thrilled to have a healthy baby, but we were especially happy to have another sweet girl.

Shortly after that visit, I found myself in Walmart one day. I was shopping for groceries and wandered over into the baby section. I spotted a little onesie with a tutu attached. I knew I wanted to buy it for you and I cried as I put it into my shopping cart. I was finally accepting you were coming to us.

On the morning of your birth, we were late arriving at the hospital! Mia had been extremely excited to be a big sister; she begged us for a sibling as soon as she could talk and she kissed you in my belly and read stories to you all throughout my pregnancy. But the morning of your arrival she decided to revolt. She did not want to get dressed, did not want to wear the “Big Sis” dress I had bought her to match your “Little Sis” onesie. By the time we got to the hospital your grandparents, Aunt Miss and Aunt Ashley were already there!

I quickly said hello to everyone, gave hugs and kisses and went back to get prepped for your birth. I was in the same room as I was when I had Mia. When I got to the room I changed into a gown and they put monitors on my belly to make sure you were doing okay. Daddy changed into a jumpsuit, hat and shoe covers to keep the germs away from us in the operating room.

Mia, your grandparents, and your aunts and uncles all came in to give kisses and to love on you in my belly one last time. Then they walked us to the operating room.

Daddy had to wait outside while they got me ready for your birth. As I sat there, all I kept thinking about was how much I loved you, how I couldn’t wait to see you, hear you and hold you in my arms. I was still so scared something would happen to prevent me from meeting you. The anesthesiologist came in to the room and found me crying. He assumed I was scared about the surgery. He held my hand and reassured me everything would be okay. I cried the entire time they prepared me, wanting so badly to see you and to know you were okay.

Daddy and Dr. Paul came in and they started the surgery. In just a couple of minutes you were out and I got to see your beautiful face. You were red from screaming and crying and you had beautiful blue eyes and blonde hair, our little angel. Daddy and I were so happy to finally meet you that we cried right along with you.

When they finally brought you to me I couldn’t stop kissing you and whispering to you how much I love you. They unwrapped my gown and put you on my chest kangaroo style so you could stay warm and feel comforted and protected. But you were hungry! You screamed and cried the entire hour we were in the operating room while Dr. Paul finished the surgery.

They rolled us down the hallway with you still on my chest and your family all cried as they greeted you. They took me to a recovery room and I immediately started trying to nurse you. I snuggled you and whispered to you over and over how much I loved you. I couldn’t believe you were real and I finally had my precious baby in my arms.

Everyone was as eager to spend time with you as we were so your big family started parading in. I just kept trying to feed you while everyone talked to you and shared in our happiness.

After some time they took you to the nursery to clean you up and took me to a room. I was so exhausted from the surgery and from the emotions of meeting you that I don’t remember much about that first day. I know Emie came to see you, as you were born on her birthday. And Mia was excited to be one of the first people to hold you. She brought you a little stuffed Rapunzel doll that she’d bought especially for your birth day. And I quickly realized that you preferred to be held upright, as opposed to being cradled like Mia preferred. So I snuggled you up on my chest with your head near my heart so you could hear it beating like you did while you were in my belly.

Over the course of my time in the hospital many, many people came to visit. You were so loved and celebrated as you were our little miracle baby. People that I worked with, people I went to school with, and family and friends were all eager to celebrate you.

Mia stayed with Mamaw the night of your birth so Daddy and I could have time alone with you. We just touched you and kissed you and whispered to you how happy we are to have you with us. Daddy was at the hospital with us during the days, but after the first night he went home to be with Mia. Granny and Nana stayed the night at the hospital with us to help me during the night. A photographer came to the hospital to take your first professional pictures and they were gorgeous. You were such a beautiful baby.

Just like with Mia, I struggled to make enough milk to feed you. I was very sad and frustrated, as I’d hoped I had better prepared myself for my experience with you. I tried every technique I’d heard of, used supplements and teas and massages…I just wanted to give you the best nutrition I could. On the day I was supposed to go home I cried to the lactation nurse because I was so disappointed nothing was coming out. Then, just before we left, I began to get some milk. So Granny took me to The Nursing Station on our way home to get a hospital grade pump to allow me to pump some milk. In the end, I still didn’t produce much, but the little I did get made me feel happy, as I was able to provide for you.

Since I knew you were a girl, I was able to decorate your room very pretty for you. Papa painted it a beautiful pink color and we had pink, blue and purple bedding from Pottery Barn in your crib. We also prepared for your arrival with the things we had learned with Mia and were much more relaxed about your schedule, your sleeping arrangements and how to get you to sleep. You had reflux so we put you in a sloped sleeper for the first few months of your life, and we played waterfall noises to help you sleep. You slept in our room for the first month or so as well, and we even put the rocker in our room so you and I could do our routine each night and Daddy and Mia could rest. But Daddy was also there at nights. We took turns feeding you throughout the night, especially once I was no longer breastfeeding you. Your Daddy is the most wonderful father I’ve ever seen, and he wanted to be involved with every aspect of your life right from the start.

I can’t fully explain how I felt the day I brought you home, the depth of emotion that swelled inside of me to finally have you with us. Before your birth, it was as though a crucial part of our lives was missing, and I felt like I was always searching for a lost part of myself. When you were born, my life became complete. You, my Callie Girl, my Calsbury, my Caligator, my Scowlie, fulfill our family and we love you more than anything.

Still remembered, still loved...

I'm not sure why this is important to me, but I wanted to note somewhere the dates of the babies we lost. Those pregnancies and that sad period in my life still weighs heavily on me at times, particularly around Callie's birthday. It's so amazing to me that we actually carried another baby to term. So here are those painful dates. Although I would not trade my Callie for anything in the world, it still hurts that there were other babies who never got to know how much they were wanted or loved.

August 2008
May 2009
November 2009
May 2010
April 2011
July 2011
September 2011
February 2012
April 2012

Callie-gator turns 4!

I can't believe our girl is four years old. It has gone by so quickly. She brings so much love and joy to our family. She is the most thoughtful, kind little girl, telling me many times each day out of the blue how much she loves me. She and Mia are amazing together. They both love each other so much. We went to Florida last week and stayed with Papaw and NanaB and all their friends remarked how well they play together and how much they seem to truly love each other. One of their friends told me that watching them together was actually a life altering experience for her; seeing them reminded her of how much fun she has with her own sisters and she decided to move back home to be closer to them. Just from watching my girls! But they truly are a sight to see, so funny and sweet and kind together.

For Callie's birthday party with her friends, she wanted a "gin-nastics" party. So we had that at KGA. She had a blast. I will likely start her in gymnastics in the fall. She just finished swim lessons in preparation for our Florida trip. It's so funny how different things are from your first child to your second. With Mia I started her in swim when she was just over a year old. We did multiple lessons year after year. With Callie I started her young but she developed a bad ear infection and we actually ended up getting tubes. So she dropped out after lesson one. We tried again and the same thing happened; we got a second set of tubes! So this was our first shot at lessons and I'll tell you what, after six lessons that girl was swimming on her own with her face in the water! I saved myself some big bucks on lessons for her!

I hope to finally finish her birth story soon. I've actually started it and had hoped to get it complete by her birthday, but life got in the way. The good news is that we're always on the go and spending time together as a family so I hope the memories I'm giving her more than make up for my lack of posts here.

Some of my recent Facebook posts:

• Yesterday we spent another beautiful day at the pool, then had dinner on the water. Callie said she didn't like her fish sticks because "they look like they might have real fish in there". She also has a boo boo on her eye where she was whacked by a beach toy. Ice cream made that feel better though.
• Fun day at the beach! Callie doesn't remember previous beach trips so she was super excited to make sand castles.
• Today Mia received the St. Aloysius Award for being a good friend to her classmates, always being willing to help and treating everyone with kindness. She was very surprised and her family was very proud of her. 😊 
• Can't believe this sweet girl will turn 9 on Sunday. But don't think I won't be holding her and rocking her like a baby that night, whether she likes it or not! 
• Callie: London Bridge is falling down, my cheerleader.
• Callie is clearly tired and ready for bed at 6:25. How do I know, you ask? 
  • I don’t LIKE my spaghetti this way! I only like meatballs. You’re making me sad!
  • (Crying dramatically) …and you didn’t even charge my tablet! You KNOW I love my tablet! You’re not very nice to me!
  • (Do you want to go lay in bed and watch Frozen?) NO!! Stop saying that! You’re making me angry! You’re not my family!
  • (Mike asks her if she wants to dance to the music) WHY ARE YOU EVEN SAYING THAT TO ME??? YOU KNOW I CAN’T BOOGIE IN MY CHAIR!!
• Callie drew a picture of me at school today. I was gushing over it...and then she told me it's a picture of me angry with them because they didn't clean their rooms. Not sure if this is a mommy win or a mommy fail.
• Callie has had a lot of questions about God lately, such as, "Why did God make Cara's basketball game so far away?" and "Why can't I give God a hug?" Today's question, "When we were in the airplane going to Disney World I didn't see God. Did he move?" 😊❤️

Time Flies...

I was sitting here reading old posts to Mia, laughing at the silly things she used to say. It makes me sad to know I haven't kept up with this blog for Callie like I used to. Now, most of my thoughts are posted on Facebook...plus I don't have as much time on my hands with two girls as I did with just one. I like to think we're too busy making memories to do much sitting around. Tonight, for example, we're having family game night. We'll play Clue Junior for Callie and Life for Mia. We truly do have fun just the four of us.

Callie is just the sweetest little girl and there is literally not a day that goes by that I feel like my life is now complete having her in it. She fulfilled me and I feel in my heart that I was so determined to have another baby because I somehow knew I was waiting for her. Teresa Caputo says that we go through our "lives" with the same people over and over. Given how I've felt since Callie came to us, I believe that. I feel a connection with my little family that seems to transcend our time together, and we are all more content now that we're four.

This morning on our way to daycare Callie said, "Look Mommy! The clouds are pink! What is it you always say?" I said I wasn't sure...what do I always say? She replied, "Thank you God for making the sky so pretty." I have had a smile on my face all day because of that. She has been very inquisitive about God lately. For example, she asked why God made Cara's basketball game so far away and why she can't give him a hug. A recent conversation: "Mommy, when we were in the airplane going to Disney World I didn't see God. Did he move?" Oh...that girl! Love, love, love.

She still has the cutest lisp and I'm not in any hurry to see it gone. I love her beautiful sing-song voice. She still says lenomade and she calls us "missy" (just like she hears Mamaw saying). She loves to hold up the back of her hand to the side of her mouth, as though she's telling a secret...but she'll talk in a regular tone of voice and it's not necessarily secretive. She LOVES chocolate yogurt covered raisins and will pass up nearly any other "dessert" offered just to get her hands on some of those.

Callie absolutely loves soccer and dance and wants to start gymnastics. I am having a gymnastics party for her 4th birthday to see how she likes it. She loves to watch Bubble Guppies, Dora, Tinkerbell movies...and always Frozen and Beauty and the Beast. She had an amazing time at Disney World when we went in December. She's at the perfect age when everything is magical and I love seeing the world through her eyes.

Callie Girl

I'm sitting here watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse with Callie for the fourth time this morning...and it's not even 8 am yet! As soon as one episode is over she starts pleading, "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!" over and over until I put a new episode on. She's also been giving me a check-up with her Doc McStuffins (aka "Muffins") medicine bag. She walks around with the stethoscope in her ears asking, "your heart?"

She's a very inquisitive girl, just like her sister. Right now she's sticking her fingers into every hole and plug-in on the laptop asking, "Whas sis mommy?" And she loves to read books, count and sing. We wake up to ABCs and Twinkle Twinkle just about every morning. And when I walk in to get her, she is almost always on her back with her legs crossed, reading a book while she sings.

She's scared of the wind and the sun. They've been having a heck of a time with her at school, as she screams and cries every day when they go outside. They try hats and sunglasses, I've taken her to the doctor, but nothing seems to work. I guess it's just a phase, like when Mia was scared of her shadow. It better be, because the sun and wind aren't really factors I can remove! ;-)

She is such an easy girl. She doesn't get into things or put things in her mouth, so we can let her play with Mia or other kids and not have to hover over her. It's fun to sit back and watch her interact. She definitely wants to play with whatever Mia is playing with, be it Barbies or markers or stickers. Fortunately Mia loves playing with her sister and is very encouraging and gentle with her...most of the time. :-)

She loves to close doors, line up cards, organize wipes and carry around crayons in a box. She enjoys doing puzzles and even likes to pretend she can't figure them out (by putting a lion in the horse's spot) and then laughing when she gets them right. She's crazy about the dogs and likes to bend down to their level with her hands on her knees and talk to them like they're babies. She also likes to FaceTime her grandparents. She loves to see herself on video and I have plenty for her to watch. :-)

She's such a joy and I'm so grateful to have that sweet girl.

Callie, 22 months

My funny little baby. How sweet. How loving. How smart.

You talk all the time now, not just words here and there but sentences. We can almost always understand what you want and need now! It's incredible the vocabulary you have. You have always had amazing communication skills. From the time you could take steps, you've grabbed our fingers and walked us to what you needed. But now you use hand gestures, words and objects and we are able to have actually little conversations with you!

It's been far too long since I've written here, so I'll try to recap some events of your last few months:

• Sometime back in the fall you began letting me rock you before bed. Before then, you wanted no part of it, just wanting to head straight to your bed. Now, I get to rock you for a bit first. I kiss on you and whisper sweet things to you and just snuggle with you for as long as I can. Usually after about 10 minutes you're ready for your bed, but those 10 minutes are one of the best parts of my day.
• We had a great Thanksgiving with our families. You played all day with Mia and Mollie, then with Cara and Ramsey at Aunt Pat's. That night after you were asleep, however, you started coughing. When daddy and I went in to check on you, you were having trouble breathing. I handed you to daddy and took off running to the bedroom, quickly throwing on clothes and shoes. I grabbed you from daddy and put you in the car. We went to the Emergency Room and you were given an emergency breathing treatment. You struggled for awhile. Mamaw ended up coming to the house around midnight so daddy could join us at the hospital. They talked about admitting you, but finally around 1 am you started breathing better. You were fine after that, even the next day. It was very scary for us.
• You were scared of "Ca Cause". You saw him several times and never warmed up to him. You had a wonderful Christmas though.
• Your favorite character by far is Minnie Mouse. I'm not sure how it happened. You noticed her and then started talking about her all the time. You have several Minnie Mouse books, several dolls, a Minnie Mouse high chair and potty, and will likely have a Minnie Mouse themed birthday party. Sometimes you walk up to the TV, point and say "Minnie Mouse", so I've recorded several episodes to have on stand-by for you. You also like Elmo, but not nearly as much.
• You LOVE bathtime!!! All of a sudden. You used to absolutely hate it. Now as soon as dinner is over (or "breakfast" as you call every meal) you start saying, "bath, bath, bath, bath..." Once in there you play with your toys, dump water over your head, lay on your belly and put your face in, etc. You especially love when Mia gets in with you. You guys are pure chaos in there together, but you have a blast!
• One of my favorite moments of the holiday season was when we had the Robbins family Christmas at our house. We were playing with Aunt Kelly and Aunt Ashley, putting a ball under our chins. You thought it was so funny! All of a sudden, you hugged me, pulled my mouth to you and kissed me, and said, "I yuv you." Amazing moment in my life.
• The other night you pointed at me and said, "back". So I rolled onto my stomach, expecting you to hop on my back. Instead, you pulled up my shirt and began scratching my back. Then you leaned down and kissed my head. xoxoxo
• We've had terrible weather this week and you girls have been home all week. You played out in the snow for the first time. You and Mia made snow angels, but you spent more time rolled onto your belly, face down, eating the snow. :-)
• You LOVE your grandparents, and if one of their names is mentioned, you automatically say the other's name. Right now the cutest is when I say Granny and you say, "Mumpy."
• You also love to count. You almost always count to 9, and then skip to 11, 12, 13. You count stairs every time you go up and down.
• Mia remains your idol. You are completely in love with your big sister and always want to know where she is and what she's doing. You two love on each other, read together, play together, sing together, laugh together. It's amazing to watch the two of you and the love you share. I hope you have that with each other always.
• You went to Build a Bear with your cousins a couple weeks ago. Aunt Kelly got you all gift cards for Christmas. You got a pink monkey. You are just learning your colors. When I asked you what you wanted to name your pink monkey you replied, "Purple". Purple she is. :-)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Seven Years Old

My big baby girl is seven. How did that happen already?? It's overwhelming how quickly it goes by. I look at her now, so tall, with her big girl teeth and her sassy little outfits and I think "too fast!" Although I do treasure every day and I reflect every night on the day we've had and appreciate all the little moments, I'm acutely aware that they won't last forever. So I still hold her - a lot! - and carry her and read with her and play games and probably baby her a little too much sometimes. But she's not a baby anymore.

As I typed that I began sobbing. Because I've struggled with Mia this year. A lot. I am suddenly very unsure of myself when it comes to parenting her. She doesn't react to situations like I do. She's sensitive, but doesn't like to be cuddled when she's feeling sensitive. She's stubborn and doesn't listen to reason in those moments. She's very jealous and reassurances don't seem to get through to her. She's very smart and beautiful, but doubts and criticizes herself. She's very silly, but gets self-conscious when other kids laugh at the things she does, thinking they're mocking her. So I worry all the time about how to get her to see herself for the amazing person she is, and how to get her to grow more confident.

The funny thing is that most people would not know she questions herself or doubts herself because she's so outgoing. She's an amazing big sister, so generous and loving with Callie. She's very friendly and loves to make people laugh. She likes to be the center of attention. She loves fashion and isn't afraid to take risks, so she gives off a confident air when she's bold with her choices. She's a great athlete and plays volleyball, soccer, basketball, gymnastics and swims. She even recently attended her first dance camp. She never has trouble interacting with new kids and quickly plays with others in new situations.

Maybe I'm overreacting. Mike says I baby her and am too lenient with her. I just worry about the sensitive side of her and the side that doubts herself. I hate to see that because she is such a smart, funny, sweet girl. I will continue to love her and encourage her and help her develop her strengths and hope that before long she sees in herself the amazing girl we've seen all along.

Happy birthday to my little love, Mia Marie.