Grief

Last week was very difficult. Grandma's death, though not completely unexpected, took me by surprise emotionally. I'd had a few days prior to her passing when I really broke down, thinking of all our happy times together and how much I would miss them. I think I believed that when the time came, her death would be easier to bear if I had already started the grieving process. I was wrong. I was fortunate enough to be there with her as she died, and I will always be grateful that it was a peaceful moment and she was surrounded by those who loved her. I cried when she passed, and I cried some later that day, but the day of the funeral I awoke with a huge sense of dread and sadness. I cried three times before we ever got to the church, and when I got up to the podium to do a reading during mass, I just broke down. I couldn't see the words in front of me through all my tears, and faltered many times. While I didn't want to be standing there crying, I also didn't want to try to stop crying. I felt like I owed it to the woman I loved so much to feel how much she meant to me, however painful it was, and no matter how many people were standing there watching. Later I felt extremely vulnerable and wondered if I'd let the family down because they'd expected me to be strong up there.

Regardless of what anyone else may have thought, I know now you can't plan when and where you will grieve. The thoughts, memories and emotions will hit you at the most unexpected times, sometimes with a devastating blow, sometimes with unexpected laughter at a favorite memory. I have to think that no matter how we all grive for her, Grandma will be right there with us, seeing us through and knowing how very much we all loved her.

Ruby Marie Derringer Wilson

Grandma Ruby died early yesterday morning. I will miss her terribly.

I love you Grandma.

General update

Today I was congratulated on my pregnancy by someone who did not previously know I was pregnant. I was so excited because that means I no longer look like I've simply developed a large beer gut. Yay!! Other exciting news is that my belly button is getting flatter, and there were three days last week when I took no nausea medicine whatsoever.

Grandma Ruby is still in the hospital and the doctors say she could go either way at this point. Please continue to keep her in your prayers.

I have a very busy week at work. Today I gave two presentations before lunch and had two employee fairs. The rest of the week will be about the same. I'm tired already! The good news is that this weekend is our annual girls lake trip. Wooohooo!! Even though I won't be guzzling beer, as in previous weekends, it will still be nice to re-energize with my girls.

Bust a Move

I had a doctor's appointment today and, true to form, my little Bean was too busy dancing for us to get to hear the heartbeat for very long. Every time the doctor would find it, the Bean would bust a move and she'd lose it. Bean did stay still long enough one time for her to get a heart rate of 148, so we're still going strong. I'll have one more "old lady" ultrasound to test for birth defects, but otherwise, we'll just continue growing!

I felt the Bean move yesterday during church, and again this evening. It's like someone is taking their finger and lightly poking me from the inside in different spots. It's pretty cool!

Full of $hit

So, even though it's fun to be "showing" and getting those, "Oh, you look so cute!" comments, I have to admit that I've been a bit alarmed at how big my upper abdomen has gotten. I know that my baby is down below, where it's still pretty small. I also know that means what everyone has been telling me is "so cute" is my engorged bowels, the result of terrible pregnancy constipation. It has been very painful and I finally decided I had to be more diligent with my fiber intake, if nothing else than to have people stop rubbing and patting my intestines.

Late last week I began taking Benef!ber every morning in my cereal and I'm happy to report that I've "gone" every day for the past four days. That stuff really works! To top it all off I got on the scale this morning and I've actually LOST 3 pounds since this time last week! I really was full of $hit!

Viva la Bean!!

Today, as I sat at my desk, there was a weird movement in my lower abdomen. Not the flutter I'd heard about. Not the "gas bubble" feeling I'd heard described. It was some alien feeling I'd never experienced. It wasn't fast, it was more like an odd little pressure that I felt off and on for a few seconds. When I shared my experience with Mike, he emailed, "Viva la Bean!!"

Later, when I was driving home, the alien invader struck again. This time I became convinced it was my little Bean, celebrating Happy Hour.

Viva la Bean!!

Birthdays and Grandmas

This weekend was filled with Birthdays and Grandmas. Grandma Ruby had open heart surgery on Thursday to repair a valve. She was doing remarkably well and we went into the weekend very optimistically. However, Saturday night they had to move her to ICU. She had 6 pounds of fluid on her lungs and has developed pneumonia. As of today she is more stable, but I am still very worried about her. I'm also worried about my Dad and Sue, as they are worn out from the physical strain of spending so much time in the hospital and from the concern over Grandma's health. I went to the hospital today more to spend time with Dad than anything. I didn't even get to see Grandma. Please keep her and the rest of the family in your prayers.

Yesterday we celebrated Grandma Sarah's 90th birthday. We went on a riverboat cruise with the whole family and she seemed to really enjoy herself. It was nice to see the family and I think my Mom did an incredible job coordinating the event. It was a very nice afternoon.

It was also a very special day for my baby daddy. Mike finally joined the rest of us and ventured into his 30s. In addition to the celebration for Grandma, Mom also got a fabulous strawberry and cream cheese icing birthday cake for Mike. He got lots of cards and attention on the boat as well. Afterward we went out for sushi with his family and stuffed ourselves until we were sick. I pitched in with Reese, Grace and the Bean and got him a PlayStation 3 to keep him occupied this winter (in between making food runs when my cravings kick in!). Mike has not looked forward to this birthday and did not want a fuss made over this birthday (I think he believed he could stay 29 that way), but overall he enjoyed himself.

Happy Birthday Baby!!