Grief

Last week was very difficult. Grandma's death, though not completely unexpected, took me by surprise emotionally. I'd had a few days prior to her passing when I really broke down, thinking of all our happy times together and how much I would miss them. I think I believed that when the time came, her death would be easier to bear if I had already started the grieving process. I was wrong. I was fortunate enough to be there with her as she died, and I will always be grateful that it was a peaceful moment and she was surrounded by those who loved her. I cried when she passed, and I cried some later that day, but the day of the funeral I awoke with a huge sense of dread and sadness. I cried three times before we ever got to the church, and when I got up to the podium to do a reading during mass, I just broke down. I couldn't see the words in front of me through all my tears, and faltered many times. While I didn't want to be standing there crying, I also didn't want to try to stop crying. I felt like I owed it to the woman I loved so much to feel how much she meant to me, however painful it was, and no matter how many people were standing there watching. Later I felt extremely vulnerable and wondered if I'd let the family down because they'd expected me to be strong up there.

Regardless of what anyone else may have thought, I know now you can't plan when and where you will grieve. The thoughts, memories and emotions will hit you at the most unexpected times, sometimes with a devastating blow, sometimes with unexpected laughter at a favorite memory. I have to think that no matter how we all grive for her, Grandma will be right there with us, seeing us through and knowing how very much we all loved her.