I can't believe I have made it to 20 weeks. It's very surreal, a dream come true. I have had great difficulty with this pregnancy, wanting it so much, but not believing it would really happen for us. I have been so scared to hope, and it caused me to feel somewhat disconnected to this baby. I kept anticipating the day when I would feel it kick me, because that would offer me reassurance that the little one was okay, and perhaps I would feel a greater bond between us. But that reassurance hasn't come.
Over the last few weeks I have gotten more and more anxious waiting to feel those kicks. I began feeling Mia on a regular basis sometime in my 16th week. At almost 19 weeks I was still not feeling this little one. I finally succumbed to my panic and called the doctor for a same day appointment. They have been so supportive of me, completely understanding my concerns and fears, and told me to come right in. The doctor had to search for the baby's heartbeat and I nearly fainted in fear when those first several attempts yielded no fetal sounds. But then I heard it, loud and strong, and I just sobbed with happiness.
After that, I spoke with Mike about finding out the sex of this baby. With Mia, I was so confident at this point, and everything seemed so fun and lighthearted. With this baby, I am terrified of losing it. I feel like I've been trying to protect my heart, but in doing so, have missed out on all the bonding I had with Mia. I told him I thought finding out the sex would allow me to experience something with this child I didn't have with Mia, and we could talk to it using a name, have a room planned especially decorated for it, etc. Mike agreed, of course, so last week we went to our ultrasound appointment very excited.
The first things they did were to check its anatomy, heart rate and size. Everything looked perfect. The heart rate was 140 and the baby was 12 ounces. One of my fears has been that my age would cause some birth or genetic defects, but there were no indications of that. The baby was moving all over the place, just as Mia had always done. I thought it was odd that I did not feel any of those movements as I lay there, three weeks further along than when I felt Mia so regularly. I soon learned that I have an anterior placenta, meaning the placenta is in the front, not in the back as they usually are. This is no risk to me or the baby, and they usually move later in the pregnancy. But this cushion explains why I don't feel the baby very much.
At the end of the ultrasound, the tech gave us the photo we'd been waiting for. She stopped the frame and gave us a view as if the baby were sitting on glass. Having researched ultrasound photos in preparation for the visit, I could tell immediately that we had ourselves a baby girl!!! I was so excited, and Mike and I just held hands. I had been crying pretty much from the moment I saw her moving, but the tears continued with this news. I would have been very happy to have a little boy, but now Mia will get the happiness of having a sister, just like I have.
Finding out the sex had just the effect I had hoped. I felt an immediate connection to her, now that she has a little identity. Mike and I started discussing names that night, something we had been reluctant to do before that day. I also started looking at nursery bedding and we've talked about how to decorate for her. Of course Mia is thrilled! That first night when we told her she was disappointed, but that was our fault. She had been talking so much about wanting a sister that we'd intentionally started talking up a brother, just in case. When I first told her it was a sister she said, "I do NOT want a sister, I want a brother. You need to call the doctor and tell her to take it back and give me a brother!" But the next morning when I took her to school she ran up to the first friend she saw and excitedly exclaimed that her mommy had a baby sister in her belly! Now she kisses my belly several times each day and talks about her baby sister all the time.
Over the past several days I have started to feel much more movement. It's still in the form of little kicks, and it's not all over, only low and to the left side. But it's very reassuring, all the same. We are so excited to meet our little girl. What a blessing she is to us already.
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