My little gift

Mia has been so tired since she moved to her toddler room at daycare. They are much more active, and by the time we get her home at night, she is done. Half the time she cries through dinner, and getting her dressed after her bath and giving her milk before bed have turned into battles. She screams, throws herself onto the floor, pushes us away...it's terrible. Last night it really welled up inside of me, that instead of getting to be with her all day and experiencing all her joys, discoveries and hugs, my time with her is spent trying to rush through feeding and bathing her before a total meltdown. Playtime isn't really fun. It's practically me trying to keep her distracted enough not to cry. This week I've been moving her bedtime earlier and earlier, negating our efforts of just a month ago when we moved her bedtime to 8 so Mike could see her when he got home. Tonight I put her in bed at 7. I'll just keep adjusting the time to make sure she's getting enough rest.

It's so upsetting because this is not how I ever imagined my relationship with my child. I always dreamt I would be a stay-at-home mom, getting to be there for my baby's every laugh, every exploration, every milestone. Now, not only do I miss her terribly all day, when I get her home I get the frustrated, sleepy baby. Not many hugs for Mommy. The smiles are few and far between. She's ready to crash and I'm the only thing standing in her way. It really sucks, and last night I just broke down and sobbed, grieving the loss of my dream. 

This morning I watched Mike carry Mia off to daycare and she was all smiles - my usual happy girl. I waved to her until I could see her no more, then I closed the door and cried again. I made the decision to rearrange my day so I could stop in and see her at daycare. I needed some time with her before the exhaustion set in. So around lunchtime I popped in, so happy to see my girl. It was story time and the kids were wild. Mia got a little fussy when she saw me, clinging to me and wanting to be held. But she was hungry and tired from her busy morning. It was so fun to see her in their baby routine. They sing songs and put away toys and wash their hands before meals. It reassured me even more that she's in a wonderful place each day. I left feeling much better. 

As luck would have it, I also finished at one of our offices about a half hour early and wasn't too far away from daycare. I was able to get Mia just before 5 and that made all the difference. We stopped by McDonald's and got some ice cream, then we went home and played for an hour. We practiced some sign language and took turns brushing each other's hair (a new discovery of hers). When she started getting sleepy, she curled up on my lap and just laid there. I read her a story and when I was finished, she didn't get up, just laid there pointing to things and letting me tell her what they were. It was the most precious gift - happy time with my girl. God gave it to me just when I needed it.